In honour of Cassandra Khaw’s birthday (awesome writer!) I did a little twitter thread giving the reasons why various commenters were currently in the Library elders’ black books for dubious/dangerous/what-the-hell conduct. (Please note that this is now over and I’m not doing any more. Sorry!)

So, to amuse you all:

“When filling the offices of politicians with tuberculous llamas, kindly do not use the Library as a convenient transit point.”

“To be fair, which of us hasn’t wanted to hand-rear their own pair of man-eating tiger cubs for that little extra bit of fluffy personal security? On this particular occasion, though, we have to point out that they did eat Kostchei’s slippers.”

“While we understand that the bribery worked perfectly, the sheer number of nunsploitation books you’ve been supplying to Lord Silver is beginning to drain the Library’s resources.”

“No, you cannot sell PDF scans of Library originals as NFTs.”

“When asked to resolve whether a particular asteroid belongs to a Fae or a dragon individual, blowing it up and declaring ‘Neither of you’ was probably the wrong answer, however morally satisfying it was and even if it did give them common cause (against you).”

“Ecological principles are to be approved. Spray-painting POLLUTER across the bonnet of a dragon king’s cherished antique Hirondel car, less so.”

“Unless you can prove it was necessary to the mission, please try to keep your hobby of ‘forcing politicians to speak the truth in public interviews via the ‘I perceive’ trick’ to a minimum.”

“However good a vocal teacher the Phantom of the Opera may be, you are not allowed to let him hide in the Library from pursuing mobs. Send him back at once.”

“The Library Cocktail Challenge is banned until further notice, and all associated documents, photocopies, recordings, tiktoks and similar are placed under security seal. (Also, will someone please bring me an aspirin. Or two.)”

“It is considered an offense against Library rules to falsely claim that a Librarian’s destination has kilts as mandatory wear for men, however much you want to see them in stockings (or yellow cross-gartered).”

“No, there is not a Mirror Library where evil versions of everyone can be found.”
“No, the fact that Kostchei has a beard doesn’t mean that he’s evil and there’s a Good Kostchei somewhere out there without a beard.”
“Kindly do not pull on Kostchei’s beard.”

“Declaring ‘One flesh, one end’ while clutching your favourite book is very dramatic and extremely touching, but should be saved for moments when you are not dangling above piranha pools.”

“Feuds with other Librarians because they stole your Black Forest Gateau may be understood – indeed, sympathised with – but cannot be officially sanctioned.”

“We have no problems with you becoming a bitcoin millionaire and crashing the world’s financial system. That’s entirely within standard operating parameters. But really, gold-plated bookcases?”

“We regretfully inform you that your proposal for an anti-dragon jellyfish-training program is not compatible with Library objectives or funds . . .”

“It’s not that it’s a bad shot – but next time, kindly take the in-crater photo of Krakatoa erupting after you’ve stolen the book, not before.”

“Research as to whether bibliophilia is an infectious disorder should not be conducted so openly. (Especially as we all know it’s true, anyhow.)”

“No, you are not going to be allowed back into the Library until they’ve found all the geese that hatched in your bedroom. Antoinette is still having nightmares.”

“How many times do we have to go through this? Calligraphy is all well and good, but slashing “L” in the shirt front of every Fae you duel is becoming rather noticeable.”

“While there is nothing which actually prohibits “Bunnicula” as your chosen Library name, we would suggest you reconsider . . .”

“We appreciate the circumstances were already awkward, but we think that playing the soundtrack from ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’ during the Fae-dragon duel where you were an assigned observer was about as far from helping as possible.”

“If you have anything to do with the recent activities of the supervillain The Historian on your assigned world, who apparently kidnaps reporters to lecture them on history till they recant their more inaccurate articles . . . kindly hide the evidence.”

“Stop trying to bring biplane parts into the Library and reassembling the plane inside your bedroom. We are not interested in whether it would be a “new and innovative” solution to in-Library transport. It won’t fit.”

“Kindly bear in mind that when insulting senior Librarians in obscure languages under your breath, there is a high probability that they will understand what you’re saying . . . Of course your current assignment to the nuclear wastes of Antarctica has nothing to do with this.”

“‘Mind control by sentient cats of superhuman intelligence’ is not an acceptable excuse for failure to complete your mission. Likewise, we do not believe their ‘incredible gravity powers’ kept you pinned in your bed all day.”

“There are many places where one might seek Lothlorien. However, one should not attempt to grow one’s own version in the Library cellars.”

“While we understand and sympathise, when lecturing junior Librarians about useful equipment, ‘A really big rug to hide under’ lacks the can-do spirit we want to inspire, and is not very effective as advice. Or for hiding under.”

2 responses to “the Library black books”

  1. Matt says:

    ““‘Mind control by sentient cats of superhuman intelligence’ is not an acceptable excuse for failure to complete your mission. ”

    Oh come on. We know that all cats are sentient and have superhuman intelligence. Any other explanation is frankly ridiculous.

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